A Little Something About Me

I am a Search Angel on the Internet. For those who do not know what a SA is/does I will do my best to explain. I help Adoptee's, Birth Mother's or anyone connected with Adoption looking for a loved one.

In my heart I believe that everyone has a right to their Heredity and most importantly their Medical. I am not the best SA on the Internet, but, I put my heart and soul into what I am doing as I so truly believe in this cause.

I had a daughter on March 19Th, 1965 and I named her Pamela Anne. I relinquished my daughter in great hopes that she would have a better life as I was too young to give her what I thought she needed. Oh, I could have loved her to death, but, I knew that was not enough. I adored her from the moment she was born and always will. It was the hardest decision I ever, ever, made.

I found my daughter when she was 19teen. We exchanged visits. She to my house and me to her parent's house. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but, I was there to see my "daughter" and meet her parents. I cared less if she looked like me or not, I just wanted to spend some quality time with her. She is a lovely young lady.

Her Mother shared some pictures with me and I have to say she was adorable in her ballet picture. I was promised a picture of my "daughter" but never received it. I gave my "daughter" her very first picture from the hospital right after she was born and her original Birth Certificate, which I know was/is very important to Adoptee's.

I shared some time with her Mother. I don't think my "daughter's" Mother was very reciprocating. I shared a "not" very comfortable moment when she sat back, extended her arm with her hand next to my head and said something that I will never forget. She said, (in a very sny way) "you look nothing like my daughter." I said, "no, she looks like her "father." I never thought much of this as I could care less what anyone thought of me at the time. As time went on, and over the years, I thought about that moment, and , if I had to do over again, I would probably have said, "well, she may not look a "whole lot" like me, but, she has my blood running through her veins and without me you would not have her, and, besides, she looks nothing like you either, but, who cares as long as she is happy and well.

I will extend on this further when my hands and fingers are rested as I have Fibromyalgia and Psoriatic Arthritis.

God Bless, Ari

Today is February 3rd, 2009

I stayed for a few hours with my daughter and her family and met her brother who was also adopted. We decided to meet for dinner and my Sister came along with us (my Sister was also with me when I met my daughter's parents).

We went to dinner and talked about similarities and family. My Son, Jeremy, was 6 years old at the time and had also met his Sister. I noticed my daughter loved hot food. I mentioned to her that Jeremy also loved hot food. We then went for coffee to an outside restaurant I believe it was and we talked about meeting her birth Father. I debated for many years on what to tell my daughter when/if I ever met her, about her birth Father as it was a rape..... it paraded my brain almost every day of my life. I had no idea what to say as I did not want her to know that she was conceived under such horrible circumstances. I made that decision after meeting her...it just came out when she asked me. I decided in that split second that he was not worth the spit on this earth, but, also, I would not want to go into a false relationship with my daughter. Her response jolted me by using some explicit language and making reference to shooting his manhood away. Understandable for sure.

One day I decided to send my daughter some cards to let her know how I felt and that I was thinking of her. I believe a few cards were received by her and then one day I found a few in my mailbox saying "return to sender." At that moment I can only say I felt this emptiness and hollow filling in the pit of my stomach...like taking that big dive on a roller coaster. I called her and asked why they were returned and she said, "my mother was upset" and "I could never call you Mother." I told her I did not expect her to refer to me as Mother, that, I wanted to be friends with her.

December came and it was around Christmas. I decided to send my daughter's Mother a lovely Poinsetta. I never heard from my daughter again until I believe some years later. I tried to keep in touch with her over the years and got nothing but insults and anger. I understood her anger as a lot of adoptee's have rejection issues...not all, but, many. I tried to defend myself, but, there was/is a brick wall as thick as the pacific ocean.

I decided that the best form of action would be to just separate and disconnect myself from my daughter. It took a few years with a lot of sorrow, heartache and tears, but, this is what I thought was best for me. Hopefully, with time and His love she comes to terms with her life and realizes I love her and I will always be here for her.

Not every reunion turns out the way mine has, and, I hope if you are searching for your birth mother, birth father, etc. that my experience will not hinder your search in any way. Don't fear the unknown in searching. Yes, it is a roller coaster ride of emotions. Go into your search with open eyes and an open heart. Plan your search and take it one day at a time. There is no single solution or remedy for pain. Just realize anything can happen and its not a fairy tale. I am ok with my decision and I know that she is well....I hope she is happy. God Bless Ari